Being married is one of the most wonderful and challenging adventures that I think we get to experience during this lifetime. We get to share the most intimate parts of our personality, our secrets, our bodies, struggles, our weird senses of humor, our quirks and phobias…and all of these together create a bond that cannot compare to any other human relationship we will ever have. There is so much comfort in having a spouse who gets you. But this isn’t something that just “happens” once you say, “I do.” Marriage takes work. And sometimes, I’ve found, the longer you are married, the more work the “knowing each other” can be.
There is a comfortableness that assumes you may already have told all your stories, shared your deepest fears and joys, and maybe you’ve simply run out of new things to say. But our entire lives are meant to be spent learning and growing and loving each other deeper than before. Daniel and I have made a habit of asking one another some of these questions from time to time just for the sake of learning something new about the other person, and let me tell you, there are still surprises. :) We are far from perfect, but we have begun to understand the value in becoming reacquainted with the person we married. We married very young, and many of our answers to these questions have changed over time. Maybe yours will too.
Knowing that God created marriage, it makes sense that He wants to continue to grow and shape us into His image throughout our married life, regardless of which stage you may find yourself in. The more we are able to experience of each other, the more we seem to find new levels of intimacy and unity that we didn’t even know was there waiting for us. And the more beautiful the work of Jesus becomes as you see your spouse through His eyes. Just like newlyweds believe nothing can top the euphoria of new romance and passion, we find deeper intimacies waiting for us at each new bend in the road. So, take some time to ask your spouse these questions and to answer some yourself. Even if you think you know the answers, listen.
1. Name one thing I do that makes you feel loved.
2. What could I do to cause you to feel more loved?
3. Name one thing I do that causes you to feel respected/honored.
4. What could I do to cause you to feel more respected/honored?
5. Name one thing I do that causes you to feel understood.
6. What could I do to cause you to feel more understood?
7. Name one thing I do that causes you to feel secure.
8. What could I do to cause you to feel more secure?
9. Name one way I serve you that brings you great joy.
10. Are there specific ways that I can serve that I am not already doing?
11. What attribute would you most like me to develop?
12. Name one attribute (or mannerism or idiosyncrasy) that you most like me to change?
13. What attribute would you like me to help you develop in yourself?
14. What achievement in my life would bring you the greatest joy?
15. What mutual goal would you like us to accomplish?
16. How is our sex life?
17. Is there anything I can do to make our sex life better?
18. How are we doing with our family budgeting and finances?
19. What is one thing we can do to improve our budgeting and finances?
20. Name one personal goal for your life that I can help you achieve this year.
21. Name something new we might do together that would bring joy to our marriage/family?
22. How are our relationships with our extended family (parents, siblings, etc.)? Name one thing I can do to improve one of these family relationships.
23. Name one way that God has blessed our marriage.
24. Name one way that we could make our marriage more Christ-like.
25. Name one sin that you continue to struggle with.
26. What could I do to help you with this struggle?
27. Name one sin you see that I continue to struggle with.
28. What would you encourage me to do to deal with struggle?
29. Is there some way that you can help me with this struggle?
30. What would indicate to you that I really desire to be more Christ-like?
31. How has your love for God grown?
32. How is your devotional time going? (Specifically Scripture study & prayer)
33. Is there another spiritual discipline that you would like to develop? (fasting, " scripture memorization, etc.)
34. What can I do to help your love for God grow?
35. Name one thing about our church that brings you great joy.
36. Name one thing that would increase your joy in church?
37. In ten years where do you hope to be spiritually?
38. In ten years where do you think I should be spiritually?
39. Name one way that my leadership/submission has strengthened our marriage. What could I do to lead/submit better in our marriage?
40. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate our marriage? What would make our marriage a ten?