Hey guys, it’s Laura. :)
I have had some things on my heart that I have wanted to share as an encouragement with our friends who have children who are nearing Middle School age. I hope you feel loved and supported by Daniel and me as we are all in this together!
Both of our kids are officially out of Elementary School this year—6th and 8th grade. It’s a new season for us as parents of TWO Middle School kids, and in some ways I’m in a little bit of disbelief. I’m sure, if you are the parent of a middle schooler, you probably find yourself wondering just how this happened that your 6 year-old suddenly has their own taste in music, shoes, and brand of blue jeans! How did this happen so fast? But if we are honest, I think we all know that we didn’t arrive here overnight. As parents, we have the joy (and challenge!!!) of walking our children through transitions into new stages of life—developmentally, physically, socially, spiritually—they are always changing and growing, and we are constantly adjusting and growing along with them. We make mistakes, learn and adjust, and pray. A. LOT.
Our anchor is Jesus and His wisdom and grace through each day, week, and year. And when I forget this myself, and lean on my own understanding or feelings, I do not do well. We do not flourish. I can become angry, overwhelmed, fearful, and...it’s not good! But God :) God keeps us going. He forgives and restores and helps us back on the parenting journey of raising two now-young-adults by His grace.
I want to encourage those of you whose children are entering or nearing this Middle School age to keep parenting, watching, and caring for your child through this stage with the same attention you have maintained throughout their early years. They are growing up into young men and women who are in great need of parents who pay attention. They may act like they don’t want you around sometimes, and yes they need their personal space, but they do still need you in their life. Actively encouraging, disciplining, challenging, and laughing with them.
And they are so much fun, too! Moody, yes. Forgetful, yes. But, having middle schoolers is pretty amazing when they are at an age where you can laugh because their jokes are actually funny and not some random random nonsense words put together with a punchline that no-one but your four year old finds funny. (Remember those preschool days, when none of their jokes made any sense??? Help.) There is so much to enjoy about our kids at each stage, and I pray that we see this precious time as the gift that it is .I also pray that we continue taking our role as parents as seriously as we did when we had to carry them on our hip all the time. Because they still need us.
Here are 5 things that I want to encourage you (and myself!!!) to continue doing as we love and raise kids in Middle School:
1. Ask questions! Don’t assume they will come to you with a new word or topic they are hearing about for the first time. Ask specifically about pornography. Yes, it’s painful to even think your child may have seen or heard about something like this, but if you are not talking with them about these things in a safe and truthful space at home, they WILL hear about it from someone else at some point. You don’t need to over-share or ask all the time, but ask. Ask about language being used. Ask about bullying. Ask about their friends. This is not to be nosy and in their business but to let them know you are available and they can talk to you “Have you seen anything online or on a phone that seemed weird or inappropriate?” “Is there anything you want to ask me about that you’ve heard kids say but didn’t understand?” And be ready to have open conversations about subjects that seem awkward. Not everyday, but every so often, just ask them. We need our kids to feel safe talking to us and asking questions so we can answer with truth and wisdom! How to handle foul language. What to do when a friend wants to show you a YouTuber you don’t know. Why we should honor one another by not joking about sexual or crude topics. And how to show grace and kindness to others who don’t follow the same principles that we do.
2. Set clear BOUNDARIES: I heard an analogy about boundaries that has been helpful to me personally :-) When we go to a theme park and get on a roller coaster, the first thing we always do is push on the restraint, fiddle with the seatbelt, and make sure we are not going to fall out as soon as it starts going 100 miles an hour and whipping us upside down!We want to KNOW it’s not going anywhere. So we push and prod and pull as hard as we can to know we are secure! It is the same with our kids and the boundaries we set for them. They want to test them. They want to pull and push to see if it will come apart. But ultimately a boundary provides security. This is particularly true with teens and tweens. Our kids know that we are “those parents.” And we are okay with that. Our rules and freedoms with technology are set and will not change just because everyone else is allowed to do things differently. Our 13 year old got an iPhone last Christmas which was his dream for years beforehand. :) He was the last of his friends to have access to his own phone, so he was thrilled to finally have freedom to play games, watch videos, and text friends without borrowing his parents’ phone all the time. But there are strict rules about how his phone should be used, where, and when. And these boundaries aren’t just for phone use. Our daughter doesn’t have her own phone yet, but she still likes to play on our iPad at home and has similar guidelines there as well. Same goes for not watching another friend’s videos without asking first. Letting us see and agree on what music they can listen to. Etc. And even when they’re annoyed (which seems like a lot of the time! 😬) we explain WHY those boundaries are there (an age appropriate explanation) and move on. The loving thing is not always what makes us happiest in the moment. Remember, they may push the boundaries you set, but boundaries help kids know they are secure.
3. How we do TECHNOLOGY SAFETY: (disclaimer: we are not experts!!! But I wanted to share in case it might be helpful to see how another Christian family approaches the whole technology thing!) Phones/Internet: We have the common parenting rule that we can check the phone at any time. Yes, this annoys your kid because reading someone’s texts is just embarrassing 🤪 but it’s a condition of having their own device, so. That’s that. We have filters protecting them from accidentally or intentionally seeing something online that could damage their heart. Yes, this means that lots of safe websites are filtered out sometimes too. We don’t allow our kids to google anything without permission, and we are usually close by with our own phone to look something up if the filter won’t let them view a page for some reason. YouTube: When it comes to Youtube, we have specific YouTube channels that we feel are appropriate and no other videos or channels are allowed unless we give permission. Youtube is one area where I feel kids (& parents) have no idea how quickly a recommended video or ad can pop up even when what you’re looking for any be completely innocent. YouTube Kids is an app we used exclusively for a long time for this reason. We do allow our kids to watch regular YouTube, but it is extremely limited. Social Media: We do not allow our kids to use or view any social media at this age. Social media can be tricky because apps like Instagram are fun for sharing pictures and videos with friends, but the “search & recommended” feature on Instagram does not allow any content to be filtered and is filled with extremely sexual and inappropriate images and videos. There just isn’t a way to use the app without access to them. So, for us that means no instagram. Even seemingly safe apps like Pinterest are NOT filtered. We had one child unintentionally learn some extremely crude language because they were innocently scrolling on Pinterest for birthday decoration ideas. So, Pinterest is only allowed if either Daniel or I are looking with them. Where/When: Finally, We don’t allow phone use anywhere private. Up in a bedroom, at the house if we’re not home, etc. This is not because we expect our kids to search out harmful content but because Satan wants to take advantage of our kids and take them captive through curiousity, temptation, shame, and dishonesty. They don’t have to be in the same room with us, but we need to be able to walk in and out of the room and see what’s up any time.
4. FOR NOW. In parenting our kids, something that helps so much is our freedom to know which things are set in stone (respecting others, telling the truth) and which things are FOR NOW. (asking before each new YouTube video, no social media) It is freeing for us as parents and freeing for our children! They have seen us relax past rules as they’ve shown responsibility and trustworthiness. They have the hope of gaining more freedom because we have entrusted them with different privileges as they have gotten older and shown us they were responsible and trustworthy. When they demonstrate a lack in these areas, they lose freedoms. There is an important correlation between their ability to honor the guidelines we’ve put in place in order to expect more freedom as they get older.
5. Finally, Remember we are in a BATTLE! And our enemy is not our children, our spouse, that one kid we just can’t stand, or even our culture. I want to be on my knees fighting for my children in prayer as I know they have an adversary who is seeking to steal their joy, their purity, testimony, and their peace. We need to be mindful and watchful of the enemy’s tactics to distract us from this fact. Remember the armor of God and put on your shield of faith and arm yourself and your children with the Word of God as the enemy seeks to tempt each of us to not only sin but hide our struggles from each other. We need the prayer and encouragement of other parents who are in the same boat, on the same team, fighting the same fight...you get the idea. ;) We need to know we’re not alone!
There have been so many articles on parenting that it left me feeling exhausted and like a failure as a mother. Or like I’ve messed up so much and how I’ve handled a certain area that there’s no going back. OR that the sweet part of parenting is only when our kids are little! (Have you seen this major trend? A false way of thinking that causes us to mourn our kids entering into the older, equally special stages of life which are meant to be enjoyed! I may share more on that another time :) But those are lies from the enemy! We are always free in Christ to start each day fresh with him. And parenting is not one season, or three seasons, it is a life calling that God has given those of us with children. I hope that these thoughts can be an encouragement to you that we are for you! But more importantly, God is for you! He is giving us all we need for life and godliness (and parenting!!!) And the blessing of raising children was not simply the Play-Doh and fingerpainting days. For us, it is here, on the battlefield of Middle School. :-) And I pray for God’s faithfulness and strength to fill our hearts through the Holy Spirit as we walk this out together.
Praying for you!